Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We are two peas in an std pod
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
