I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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