There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you traded sex for a burrito?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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