i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
