The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
