I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
