Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just invented taco cereal.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
