I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
