so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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