On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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