Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
