In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
