Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize