i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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