I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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