I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
