I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
