Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
