my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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