I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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