I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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