Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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