when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
