I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
