I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
