mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
