She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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