Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
