Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
