I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
