How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
