I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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