She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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