I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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