So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
