When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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