i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
