He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize