I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
