is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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