I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
