Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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