I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
