I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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