i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
