Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
