i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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