I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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