The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
