I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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