dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
