if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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