The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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