he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
