my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Randomize
