I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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