I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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