Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
