I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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