Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
